Alright, so I’m about to get real here. Real honest, real personal, real deep. If you’re not up for that today, that’s cool. Scroll through to a happy feels post and move on with your day. Otherwise, here we go…
I’m going to talk about the Cloud.
And I don’t mean the strange, data-storing, “Big Brother” that Apple wants us to use (although that is kind of scary… where does all of that go????), but rather the Cloud of grief.
If you’ve ever suffered grief — usually from the loss of a loved one, but grief can come from such as multitude of sources: job loss/change, marriage breakdown, any major life change really — then you probably know the Cloud I’m talking about.
Fogginess. Heaviness. Not knowing which direction to turn because literally NOTHING seems clear. Sometimes feeling like you can’t even breathe because the air is suffocating you.
Yep. I know allllll about this. And to be truthful, I’ve been living in the cloud for almost 2 years. And trust me, that’s a looooong time. Way too long for my liking, but I have yet to fully find my way out of this damn thing.
Maybe this Cloud is too big. Some days the Cloud is so thick I can’t see my hand in front of me. Some days (and no offence to any of you) too many people are trying to direct me out of the Cloud, which confuses me and leads me to (mentally) curl up in a ball, leaving me paralyzed and stuck. I don’t WANT to feel this way. I don’t LIKE being in this fucking fog, and to be honest, I’m trying SO damn hard to find my way out of here, and yet I keep ending up in the same place.
I just want to find my way out.
I just want to find ME again.
Where the hell did I go??? I was that person who knew what I wanted, knew who she WAS.
I keep furiously searching through this heavy fog for the person I was before EVERYTHING I identified with changed. I want to get her back, because I know what to do with her. I don’t know what to do with this new version of me. Except… I don’t know that she exists anymore. How could she when parts of what made her “her” no longer exist. And although there are many many parts of her that remain unchanged (and really the important parts of her — her true purpose, spirit, strength and passion), the Cloud has kept those parts hidden. So now not only am I stuck in the Cloud of grief for what I’ve lost or for what no longer is, I’m now also grieving the loss of me.
I think in part realizing that she doesn’t exist anymore and coming to terms with that (after chasing her for so long), helps to clear the Cloud a bit, but it’s a new kind of grief. In parts it s fresh wound being re-opened, and anger for the people or circumstance that lead to the original grief. But grief IS part of the healing process. Grief IS necessary. When we make our way out from the Cloud (and we do… I will and you will too), we are much more resilient and empathetic people. We know that although life as we know it may not always stay the way we think we want it or need it to be, we have the tools we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find our way forward.
So I’m just going to keep moving forward. Because if I keep heading in just one direction instead of frantically in 15 different ones, eventually the Cloud will clear.